An Exercise in Changing Yourself. Goldsmith.
I admit I'm a Marshall Goldsmith groupie.
I don't follow him from venue to venue, but I read his occasional dispatches on the Harvard Business Review Blog. Get his RSS feed, it's always interesting, provocative and based on a long career of working and coaching leaders.
What is great about his approach to executive coaching is that it's not blamestorming, it's about behavior. He asks what behaviors or personality traits are holding you back from achieving more. Like my friend Kevin Murnane of the Kellogg School of Management, he is an active listener.
Here is his most recent post on a simple exercise for changing yourself. But like the infamous lightbulb joke, "it has to want to change."
"When I first began my career as an executive educator, I challenged my clients to pick one to three behavior patterns for personal improvement. Now I realize that three patterns were too many.
The problem was not a lack of motivation or intelligence — the problem was that they were just too busy. I teach my clients now to pick the one behavior pattern for personal change that will make the biggest difference, and to focus on that. If we pick the right area to change and actually do so, it will almost always influence other aspects of our relationships with people. For example, more effective listening will lead to being more successful in building teamwork, increasing customer satisfaction, and treating people with respect.
A Wonderful Exercise
My friend Nathaniel Branden is a psychologist and the author of about 20 books. He has a wonderful exercise that helps people isolate the pattern that makes the most sense to change, because it helps people figure out the benefits of change. This is how he helps people decide whether change is worth it: Five to eight people sit around a table, and each person selects one practice to change. One person begins the exercise by saying: "When I get better at..." and completes the sentence by mentioning one benefit that will accompany this change. For example, one person may say: "When I get better at being open to differing opinions, I will hear more great ideas."
After everyone has had a chance to discuss their specific behavior and the first benefit, the cycle begins again. Now each person mentions a second benefit that may result from changing the same behavior, then a third, continuing usually for six to eight rounds. Finally, participants discuss what they have learned and their reactions to the exercise.
When Branden first explained this exercise to me, I was polite, but skeptical. I couldn't see the value of simply repeating the potential benefits of change over and over. My skepticism quickly went away when I saw the process work.
Moved to Tears
Nathaniel and I were facilitators at a large conference that included many well-known leaders from corporations, nonprofits, the government, and the military. The man sitting next to me was a high-ranking military leader directly responsible for thousands of troops. He also was extremely judgmental and seemed to be proud of it. For example, when conference participants discussed the topic of character, he said: "I respect people with real character — and organizations, like mine, with real values. I don't believe in this situational crap!"
When we began Nathaniel's exercise, our military friend chose: "When I become less judgmental..." as his behavior to change. I was skeptical about his sincerity and thought his participation in the exercise would be interesting to observe. True to my expectations, the first time around he coughed and grunted a sarcastic comment rather than talk about a real benefit. The second time around he was even more cynical. Then something changed. When he described a third potential benefit, he stopped being sarcastic. Several rounds later, he had tears in his eyes, and said: "When I become less judgmental, maybe my children will speak to me again."
Since that day, I have conducted this exercise with several thousand people. Many start with benefits that are "corporately correct," such as: "This change will help my company make more money," and finally end with benefits that are more human, such as: "This change will make me a better person." I will never forget one hard-driving executive who chose: "When I get better at letting go" as the behavior he should work on. His first benefit was that his direct reports would take more responsibility. His final benefit was that he would probably live to celebrate his 60th birthday.
Try It for Yourself
Now, it's your turn to pick a behavior pattern that you may want to change. Complete the sentence: "When I get better at..." over and over again. Listen closely as you recite potential benefits. You will be amazed at how quickly you can determine whether this change is worth it for you.
Try this exercise. And, please send any comments and reflections that you have."
Thanks M.
Creativity Central
10 Comments
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Reader Comments (10)
I don't get how no one has left a single comment on here. WTF? This was an incredible post! Very well written and the message is incredibly helpful for everyone. Everyone can always get better at something and only when you start to look within will you truly find the things that you want to change. I've been really working on myself for maybe the past 2 yrs now and this exercise is definitely worth doing. My own exercise that I started with personally was to write down all the things that I loved about myself, then I wrote down all the things I didn't like about myself, and then I wrote down a list of the character traits I wanted to obtain. After re-reading these lists I made a quantitative list of things I could do to obtain those traits. For example, I wrote some traits having to do with my physical appearance and confidence. So one of the things I wrote down to do, was go to the gym three times a week and ride my bike 8 miles once a week (which quickly turned into 32 miles once a week after about two weeks of doing this). Other things for me had to deal with wanting to be more artistic so I decided to go to a pottery class once a week, another had to deal with wanting to be better at being alone so I decided to go to a movie once a month by myself...etc...etc...etc...totally works...then you just gotta see where you're at after a certain period of time and re-do a new list... :)
Dear Jack:
Thanks for the comments.
Goldsmith's book "What got you here, won't get you there" is worth every penny or get it from the library. Basically, he is not advocating getting rid of habits but of understanding which ones may be holding you back.
Marty
If only more than 51 people could hear about this!
Marshall Goldsmith is an excellent person even though he use viagra without prescription since ever. He is so sympathetic and apart is an fabulous professional, without doubts the best in his job.
Hi. I met Marshall Goldsmith in the Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology back in 1970. We were both studying there and he was a great person and smart man. You could see his successful career from then. Later, I started working in the investigation of medical products (like today's generic viagra brands) and lost contact with him.
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